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All those drunk, sexually frustrated guys pouring down the two-storey escalator? They're coming to play poker against you.
You can beat 'em. Vegas casinos serve free booze to all gamblers. So, if you're planning to get plastered, do it before you hit the clubs.
You'll find the best complimentary casino drinks at the Wynn, as it offers gamblers free mojitos and brand name tequila. Just remember to tip your waitress a dollar a drink.
Oh, while you're here, stop by the Koi Pond. A Koi is like a big, sensitive, fanged goldfish, and a koi pond is the aquatic equivalent of a rock garden.
It's the most relaxing room in the Strip, but nobody knows about it — not even the locals. The Cosmopolitan is the newest and swankiest hotel on the Strip.
It's the one that looks like the Wynn, if the Wynn were bedazzled by Liberace. As long as you're gambling away your hard-earned cash, you might as well do it alongside the pretty and the powerful.
Oh, and if you're gambling at the Cosmo on a Friday, Saturday or Monday night, do it at a table below the elevator that leads up to Marquee, the hottest club on the strip; this is the best people-watching spot in Vegas.
More affordable people-watching destinations include Kokomo's Lounge at Mirage and the coffee shop at Wynn.
Every casino has a Circle Bar. Usually right in the middle. This place, not the club, is where you want to make new friends.
So if you're being pestered by a drunk weirdo — this will happen — he'll be out of your way soon. The only casino-goers who never visit Circle Bars are locals.
And you can't befriend locals. They come to the strip for business; they seem like they're on the strip to have fun, but that's part of their business.
Best casino Circle Bars: If you want to gamble but don't know anything about gambling, play craps. If everybody starts cheering, you've won.
If everybody gets quiet, you've lost. But if you play that, it'll piss the other players off. Tell them you went to college at the University of Michigan — see what happens!
Casinos give free stuff to high rollers — that's no secret. But it's hard for casinos to track exactly how much a player gambles. One good way to make a casino think you're planning to gamble away a fortune is to take out a huge marker.
That'll get the casino host's attention. And who knows, you might get offered a free room, a free meal, and free show tickets; or at worst, you'll feel like a big shot.
A blackjack player who visits Vegas all the time recently told me that Mandalay Bay has been generous with room comps the past couple months.
So give 'em a call and see what deals they've got going right now. Try as we might, we Americans just can't match our European counterparts when it comes to sports hooliganism.
But what we lack in aggressiveness we make up for in financial recklessness. For us, betting on sport is like driving 10 miles over the speed limit.
It's illegal, but everybody and their grandmother does it. In Vegas, though, sport betting is not illegal. The MGM Grand doesn't have the newest or the fanciest sports book on the strip, but it's consistently the most energetic.
Both of these games are located at the bar, which is an added plus. Not all machines at these properties have the great returns.
The ones that do will be clearly advertised, so they are fairly easy to spot. The best game on these video poker machines is full pay Deuces Wild.
Some of the machines also offer full pay Joker Poker. All games are available in quarters. All are available in quarters.
The games listed above are one of the only exceptions. The reason for this is that casinos will often assume players that play on these devices are experts who are giving up no edge on the game.
This can stop all mailers from casinos which means no more free play or hotel offers. For this reason it will do you well to avoid using a players card on these types of machines; even if you have a players card at the casino.
That is because many players will not play all five coins required for the extra royal flush bonus. Most of the games available require a complicated basic strategy that differs from Jacks or Better.
Many players do not put in the time to learn these strategies, and the casinos know this. The Deuces Wild games found on these machines should not be played like a normal game with a lower pay table, since it has a completely different strategy.